Before the Receiving Process began, my life was mostly painful and unhappy, but I was really good at pretending to be happy and pretending to have it all together. However, on the inside I was completely insecure, unstable and a total mess.
Like everyone else, I grew up with dysfunction – although I seemed to be particularly blessed with a lovely combination of dysfunctional traits from every category imaginable. I had trust issues, control issues, deep emotional wounds, low self-esteem, the thought that I needed to be perfect all the time in order to be liked or loved, feelings of being not good enough, strong beliefs in unworthiness, a truly magnificent gift for self-sabotage, and just the right amount of social awkwardness thrown in for good measure.
I trusted no one, not even God. I had painful and emotionally toxic relationships, friendships that couldn’t really be considered friendships and jobs that would start out good but inevitably gave way to dysfunction or, at the very least, became increasingly unsatisfying and empty.
I also had a self-defeating habit of staying in painful situations instead of leaving them, and on the flipside, I ran from situations that challenged me and which would have led to personal growth and accomplishment. Basically, I stayed when should have left and left when I should have stayed, which meant I couldn’t even trust myself to guide me because my inner compass pointed backwards.
And woven through all of this was undiagnosed anxiety, depression and ADD, which further compounded the other dysfunctions, struggles and issues.
My life definitely seemed to be filled with more negative than positive, and more struggle than support. I didn’t understand why good things wouldn’t last or, worse, why they seemed to crumble as soon as I noticed them materializing. And if good did come to part of my life, why did the other parts start to fall apart?
It was as if “good” simply refused to be associated with me.
The only thing holding me together was a sense of resilience and a sheer force of will to keep going… because I certainly couldn’t give up and let others see what was going on inside me because then they would know how much of a mess I really was.
Of course there were bright spots here and there, but weighing it all out, there was mostly unhappiness… with a lot of denial and pretending that things were better than they actually were. (I had to pretend and live in denial because I lacked the courage, the support and the know how to look at the truth of myself and do what was needed to bring about true and lasting change in my life.)
I was slightly aware of the truth of myself – sort of like I could see it off to side next to me, in my mental “peripheral vision” so to speak - but I dare not look at it directly, nor did I have the courage to anyway. Doing so would require facing the reality that I was not as strong as I pretended to be and that I didn’t have it all together. Besides that, if I did face my reality, then where would I be... who would I be… and how on earth would I function day to day, let alone move forward?
But I understand now that at that point in my life I was simply looking at my fear through the eyes of Fear itself, and because of this, I was only seeing the fear and what would surely be the collapse of me.
From this place, I couldn’t know that the fastest way to be released from our pain and unhappiness and all that holds us back is to look at our truth objectively and be 100% honest with ourselves about what we see. Yet the “objectively” part can be a challenge as well, since we are often very willing to look at our truth through the eyes of self-criticism and judge ourselves for not being as amazing and wonderful we perceive others to be - which was something I was also quite skilled at, like so many of us are.
However, looking at and overcoming our struggles and challenges are part of what the Books of OneTrueWisdom are Designed to help us process and move on from. (Expanding our Enlightenment and Understanding is another part.)
All in all, these experiences were not exactly the most fun to live through at the time (especially as intense as they were and with so many dysfunctions and issues stuffed into one individual). But everything makes perfect sense now… and it has also made for an especially interesting Transformational Process - the spiritual version of a “rags to riches” story so to speak.
The hole I was living in was pretty deep. So understand that whatever you’re experiencing, whatever Healing you’re in need of, whatever it is you’re desiring to overcome, know that in some form or another, I have been there. And if I can dig myself out using the Wisdom in these Books, then you most certainly can too.
After all, it’s no accident that you’re here. It’s no accident that you found your way to these Books and they found their way to you. They are part of your Path, [link to Spiral] and that’s why you are here now.
My sincere hope is that the Books of OneTrueWisdom will make your Journey into the benefits of Enlightenment much easier and that your life be filled with all the Peace and Happiness you are meant to have and absolutely deserve.
All of God’s Best to you,